Where did all these smart girls come from?-Weezer

Where did all these smart girls come from?-Weezer

Dear Men of UNH,
You’re doing it wrong. Hitting on smart girls, I mean.

Well, maybe not all smart girls, but certainly this one. It’s happened a few times now and I just can’t keep it to myself anymore. Sure, I could tell you all in person, but there are a lot of you, and I’ve got a lot of things to do today, so I’m taking the passive aggressive route and writing to you instead.

First of all, let me start by saying that you should assume that all girls are smart. The following rules do not just apply to girls that wear slouchy knit berets and reading glasses, hang out at coffee shops and publicly read books written by impressive authors. If you think you can identify a smart girl just by looking at her, then you’ve got some pretty serious issues. Appearance is not an appropriate gauge for intelligence or respect. Ever.

And now, some helpful pointers:


1. Start out by asking personal lead-in questions, such as: What are you reading? What sorts of movies do you like? Where are you from? Etc. These types of questions show that you are actually capable of expressing an interest in something other than her looks, which is nice. Remember, just asking the question is not enough. When she answers, try to: a. listen, don’t just wait for your turn to speak and b. respond in a way that is not flippant and condescending.

Here is an example of what NOT to do:
Boy: What’s your favorite movie?
Girl: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
Boy: Really? That’s your favorite movie? Haven't you ever heard of [insert the title of an obscure Italian documentary that literally only about three other people in the universe have ever seen here]. No? That’s too bad. I saw it at a private screening in Boston. It’s pretty dense. You probably wouldn’t like it.

That type of response is infuriatingly pretentious. It’s important to remember that she is probably not trying to impress you quite as much as you are trying to impress her. If you ask what her favorite [blank] is and her answer is not particularly high-brow then that does not mean that she lacks sophistication. It means that she is giving you an honest answer to a straightforward question.

Here is an example of what you SHOULD do:
Boy: What’s your favorite movie?
Girl: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
Boy: Wow, I haven’t seen that movie in so long; I don’t remember it particularly well. Is that the one where a Thuggee cult leader tries removing Indy's beating heart right out of his chest using only his bare hands and Hindu chanting but Indy defeats him anyway while dangling perilously from a swinging rope bridge perched over a crocodile infested river in the Himalayas in order to save hundreds of village children from a life of debilitating slave labor?
Girl: Yep, that’s the one!
Boy: Wow, you are a totally awesome badass.
Girl: Yeah, I get that a lot.

Her favorite movie doesn’t have to involve Indiana Jones in order for the previous scenario to work, even though Indiana Jones is the human embodiment of pure, unfiltered, fedora-wearing, whip-carrying awesomeness. Let’s say her favorite movie is "Legally Blonde" or "Monster-in-Law" or "Zombie Strippers!" or "Kangaroo Jack." Maybe you're not talking about movies at all; maybe it’s her favorite food, book, color or Monty Python sketch. Regardless of how ridiculous her favorite [blank] is, your response should be somewhere along the lines of:

“That’s interesting. Tell me more! What do you like about it?”

You do not need to verbalize your disdain to her. In all likelihood your facial expression will project the full level of your complete and utter disapproval. It is not your job to convince her to like all the same things that you like. Her personality is not a ball of clay that is waiting to be molded and distorted until it meets your impossibly high standards. She is a person with thoughts and feeling and ideas, just like you. Try to respect that.

2. OK, so at this point the topic of conversation has probably shifted from the topical getting-to-know-you stuff to something a little more interesting. Maybe you’re talking about ideas, opinions, politics, philosophy or literature. Maybe you’re just trading personal anecdotes. It doesn’t really matter, the important thing is that you’re having a conversation with each other. That’s good! Keep doing that!

Just remember that she is a participant in this conversation too, and it is in your best interest that she actually wants to talk to you. If you start noticing that she hasn’t said anything for a while, chances are she probably can’t get a word in over your preachy, self-serving tirade of narcissistic psychobabble. If she keeps trying to interject with snippets of “But-” “Well maybe-” “Hold on, I-” “Um-” “I just-” “I think-” then that is probably a bad sign. It means that you are interrupting her, which is really rude, annoying and one of the least attractive things ever.

I know, I know. It’s easy to get over-excited; especially if you’re discussing a subject that you are particularly passionate about. Say, for example, you have a theory that JD Salinger’s "Catcher in the Rye" is actually a metaphor for the Great Potato Famine in 19th Century Ireland. That’s awesome! Good for you! I bet you have a lot of information to back that up, dontcha? Of course you do! However, there is a time and a place for discussing your absurd and completely ludicrous ideas that are super interesting, I'm sure. I bet there are a lot of people in your life who would like nothing more than to sit and listen to you talk about them. Your mother, for example, would be one of those people. You know who probably is not one of those people? The girl you’re talking to. The one who just met you...for the first time...today. She’s probably annoyed and bored out of her mind.


Here is an example of what NOT to do:
Boy: ...See, the hunting cap that Holden wears is obviously a symbol for the acquisition of warm clothing in a tough, economic climate. In his desperation to keep warm, Holden disregards physical vanity in lieu of practicality, much like the potato farmers who were unable to purchase warm blankets for their families in the wintertime and had to start sleeping under large squares of tacky wallpaper...
Girl: Well I always thought--
Boy: ...Clearly Holden’s sexual frustration parallels that of most 19th century adolescents who were unable to pursue any semblance of a sexual identity because of their strict religious beliefs and inconveniently crafted undergarments...
Girl: Um, maybe, but--
Boy: ...Not to mention the hundreds of people directly affected by the famine that would intentionally get arrested for committing petty crimes because the jails were a warm shelter compared to the grueling conditions on the outside; much like Holden, they saw rebellion from traditional morals as a method of survival instead of as a psychological outlet for teenage angst....
Girl: Of course, but--
Boy: ...And of course the name “Caufield” itself is an homage to the Gaelic word “ceangal” which roughly translates to the English word “connection.” You see, he has a “connection” to his Irish heritage....
Girl: Yeah, I really could not care any less about anything you have to say about anything in the history of forever.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t get excited about stuff; you absolutely should get excited about stuff! Let yourself get excited about whatever you want! Just don’t forget that you are in a conversation with a person, and that person probably also has some pretty amazing things to say. Every once and a while you should stop and listen to her say some amazing things, then you can say some amazing things back. That’s called “having a conversation,” and it can be wonderful. Try it sometime.

Here’s an example of what you SHOULD do:
Boy: ...Clearly Holden’s sexual frustration parallels that of most 19th century adolescents....I’m sorry, I’m probably rambling. What do you think about "Catcher in the Rye?"

Girl: Well, actually, I’m glad you asked. You see, I have this theory that it is actually a metaphor for the plight of victims in the East Congo during the Belgian colonization. The train Holden takes to New York City is an obvious reference to the negative impact industry has on a scenic landscape....

See? Stimulating conversation=happiness.


3. Don’t ever, EVER start a sentence with the phrase “The thing you need to understand is....” Maybe this is just a personal pet peeve, but it is also condescending, arrogant and presumptuous. Don’t start telling people things you think they need to understand, especially if you barely know them. For all you know, she already understands all the things she needs to understand. She might even understand a great deal many more things than even you understand.
What you need to understand is, women do not appreciate being talked to like they are insolent second-graders. Kay?


4. (This one is especially important to me). If a girl mentions the fact that she is a feminist in any capacity, it is in your best interest that you do not: flinch, chuckle paternally, say “Oh, geez, one of THOSE,” make the sign of the cross with your fingers or any elaborations of the above. That is, quite literally, the worst thing you could ever do, especially if you have just met the poor girl. Later on you can try making feminist jokes, but until you get to know her a little better all you are doing is making yourself look like an obnoxious, misinformed jackass. It is one of the oldest and most tiresome responses ever and it is exhausting to have to put up with on a regular basis. If you do this, there is no recovery. You blew it. Forever.
Try something a little less douche-y, like:
“That’s awesome, I really respect that,”
not because she needs any encouragement from you, but because she might appreciate a refreshing change of pace from all those stupid, tired jokes.


5. Determining the right moment to initiate physical contact is especially important. It is imperative that you do not jump the gun on this one.

Read the signs, read her body language, listen to her. If you have spent the last twenty minutes treating her like an idiot, interrupting her, dominating the conversation and insulting Indiana Jones, then you probably should not reach out to brush away that wayward lock of hair sprawling across her forehead. If she is giving you one word answers, chewing angrily on the inside of her cheek, wearing an expression of annoyance and disgust with her arms folded across her chest, turning away from you as if you are some kind of leper, then it is probably not the best time to lean in for that kiss. She will not respond warmly to these advances. Be warned.

Seriously, guys, the fact that I need to sit here and write this to you is absurd. This is common sense. And, for the record, these rules do not just apply to men hitting on women. These are really more like rules for decent, polite social interaction that I’ve applied to a typically hetero-normative situation only because it has happened to me so many times. They are applicable to all, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. If you are a gay man and this is how you talk to other gay men, then that is a problem and you need to stop it. It also doesn’t just have to apply to conversations between yourself and a subject of romantic interest: if you talk to your friends/roommates/mother like this, you should most definitely stop it. They probably don’t appreciate it.

Finally I feel I should mention that this tirade was not triggered by one specific person or event. It is an accumulation of various instances based on six solid years of bad experience. I’m sure that the men upon whom I have loosely based this set of rules are kind, upstanding people. I’m not trying to attack anyone here.

Good luck out there, boys! You’ll need it.